Self Realisation Train…
People we have conflict with, people we dislike or that cause us distress, they’re our personal trainers. But for our soul. For us to consolidate our mettle. They’re the friction required to build our spiritual “muscle” so to speak.
They offer us a sacred opportunity that couldn’t be given in any other way. And thus as much as it may be difficult to amit…They’re serving a holy purpose. Every. Single. One. See things that way and feel the release.
I’ve also noticed that over the past few weeks after moving out that if I object to a certain behaviour in someone else, an opportunity to behave similarly comes up for me very soon after. It’s almost like a universal shadow work check for hypocrisy. It’s eery at times it’s so perfectly orchestrated. Ever since I hopped on the self-realisation train. Well I mean after my parents agreed with me when I said that “just wanted to die sometimes” I knew I had to move out asap. That I know was not normal, ofcourse it made me capsized to the least.
Anyway, the thing is, those behaviours that I object to in others are stating to look more like a representation of my dark attributes that I’ve disowned. So now that they keep getting reflected back at me, it feels like I’m being tested with my own patience, having to deal with the very things that I’ve disowned within myself. So when those opportunities arise to behave in a likewise manner, I’m having to take a step back and realise that only reason certain things bother me is because I very much carry the same qualities and that just makes me question whether these are really behaviours of others that I don’t align with or if it’s parts of me that I’ve rejected rather than accept and relinquish. It’s a mind f**k to say the least. It’s just shocking to me how immediate the opportunity arises. It feels like I’ve been doing this “game” with myself/my subconcious of spotting my own shadow seeminly outside of myself for so long now that it’s sped up the whole proess. Like training wheels have come off and it’s into immediacy territory now.
Moving…
Did moving away from home help me gain this perspective? Absolutely, physically moving made me feel less isolated. I realised that I do need to talk to my friends everyday whether that be sending a meme or giving them a call. I was living in a very controlled environment. I was unconciously depleted of this totally. It took a while for to move out again because I wasn’t “ready” but waiting to feel ready was actually the block and defensive mechanism protecting me from change and the unfamiliar. I don’t “feel ready” to do many things but that’s so far from the truth. I was scared that I was not going to be save money but I am actually saving more money now thanks to my Jupiter transitting my 8th house ;) I've already observed an increase in salary that I am definitely not complaining about and a bonus! Working throughout my lunch allows and waking up early has allowed me to complete tasks, now that I have more responsibility in one sitting especially on the days that I fast. I love working because I feel needed. Again I don’t know whether my Saturn in 10th house is to thank for or whether now I am now a progressed Taurus axis for the next 20 years of my life!
Further, I have saved more by moving out due to my commute being relatively cheaper, buying what I need instead of what I want, using cash instead of card, checking my personal budget more regularly, buying things in shops as opposed to online to save on delivery charge and maintaining my savings goal. The Natwest budget calculator has been my go to site since uni for budgeting my finances (https://www.natwest.com/life-moments/managing-your-money/budget-calculator.html)
Becoming an ex Vegan
Our issue with food is pretty much wrapped up in trauma, about how you see yourself , how much ego you project onto these animals turning these animals as a representation of yourself that you can’t perhaps save now. Nature has zero concern about whether we think they are cute, beautiful etc. The mechanial way that the animals are slaughtered is horrendous, @Natureismettle on instagram is an eye opening page to follow. Veganism is a spiritual, psychological, mental situation which has gone askew with humans, where we are so traumatised that we start to associate ourselves with creatures. Ultimately, how we see ourselves. Humans are at the top of the food chain. People describe animals as innocent but everything is innocent in the eyes of God. Watching Youtube videos of “how animals are slaughtered” to become familiar of the process to remove the western first world mentality is a start. This is what happens when you have generations of children who have been brought up on Disney, eg. crying when Bambi died, it’s almost as if we need to tell people to “grow up”. The more you watch programmes showing how nature functions like David Attenborough the more you can understand that we’ve pushed into a very pathetic place where we are scared of nature. I look back photographs of myself when I was pure plant based and I looked malnourished.
My eating habits have changed as I was on a plant based food diet for around 6 years before transitioning back to veggie then meat over a period only due to having a cyst in my breast. This did overtime reduce dramatically however now wonder whether cutting out sugar completely made more of an impact instead. I embraced my “leaky” gut and ate a diet that resonated with it whilst I was going through my detox. It helped immensely. I excluded all foods that gave me the wrong reaction and now feel great. Maybe a stomach that allows more things through is exactly what you want, if you are putting the right things in it. Are you going to cure your leaky gut so that foods you shouldn't eat in the first place stop bothering you? Now I eat meat that is cruelty free only (particular meats such as halal but also a voiding the constant battle of having to argue which days I can and cannot eat meat with my parents). Life and existence as far as we can tell is completely and utterly pointless, so we should enjoy all the flavour we can. The type of diary we eat is processed as all the pasteurisation and homogenisation kills a lot of what’s good about diary and structurally changes it so its many cases intolerable. Same with bread. Now it’s just my battle with gluten…slowly but surely…
Ofcourse before it became a trend I had to join communities but over time I grew tired of the “communities” who make their entire personality about diet. You can’t convince someone with logic when their emotions and skewed sense of morality are tied up on it. Vegans are delusional about the amount of death they contribute towards and exacerbate with their diets too. It’s all nonsense that’s throwing off the natural order of things EVEN FURTHER. Which results in devestation ultimately. Locally sourced farmed meat is a good idea.
Humans minimising themselves to the level of a chicken and eating like rabbits, even deeming themselves to be equals to animals on the food chain and the like is nothing short of tragic and typical of the times we’re in. It’s humiliating I feel. But I understand it too. We’re coming out of being perhaps too brutal and compassionless so these are phases almost. There’s also fierce agendas to weaken humans in pretty much every way which the whole vegan thing contributes to hugely.
Yes there are popular online personalities who are vegan that people use as an example of “SEE IT WORKS” who’s appearance has changed so much, so shockingly that I can’t believe people still use them as an example just because they’ve had kids who don’t appear to be unhealthy. Yet. In time, the profound lack of nutrition is evident and I suspect this may be when people eventually pay attention. But maybe not. Once the root cause has been recogonised and the trauma has healed to an extent then the individual will be able to eat a non vegan diet. Each to their own. I’m done with convincing people about what they should eat.
To conclude that everyone has a way to cope with their trauma, vegans choose to not eat meat, others drink, some may smoke, some take drugs or take part in promiscious activities etc.
Getting on my vagus nerve…
What I have learnt since my vagus nerve healing journey:
Joining a community is key, so much of our pain happens when we are in a state of isolation, not hiding from the people we love is a bigger part of a healing journey than any herb or diet change. Connection changes our nervous system, instantly. A good morning routine, praying or yoga practice can be essential for self connection but then you have to have to have the community connection too. I wish we saw time with friends as an instagrammable health hack because it’s the best one.
The quality and quantity of our relationships is quite literally modulates gene expression and improves inflammation-related signalling molecules. This interesting study explains in depth the link between our health and close relationships: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2891342/?fbclid=PAAaZyusesNOuNDCCjOJ0Sz7gADboqcrtzJelvCkDLL65nKO9d7tFofKj25XM
Fasting on Mondays and Thursday has been a game changer, not just for my spiritual journey but my physical too. As we know they both come hand in hand but fasting has tremendously toned my vagus nerve allowing the digestive system a rest/reset. All major religions have fasting times so the appendix can reseed the original gut biome so that you can feel to be closer to God. This is further explained in a Youtube video illustrated by Dr Jing W Sung, another video is called “Mind Unveiled” under “Micro organisms and demons”. It explains that the gut microbiome has a direct link between our dreams discussing how being unable to remove parasites has a direct link to the quality of our dreams. This seems to make sense as all my nightmares occured when I was eating unhealthily.
Polyvagus exercises are helpful to reset the vagus nerve.
If you see a power plate at the gym utilise it! The vibrations activates the vagal nerve among other parts of the body stimulating the lymphatic system.
Using the sauna followed by a cold shower.
Laughing and moving your body!
Living out already has taught me so much more than the first time I moved out. As much as the pros, the cons come hand in hand too. My Moon is conjuncting Neptune right now and will be transitting here for more than a couple of months which means I will become, and probably have already become dellusional in my emotions. Distorting my reeality completely. I’ve already witnessed a physical fight in the house, I’ve witnessed them sniffing, I’ve had to be firm with my house mate to prevent any unwanted attention and sexual advances, I lost my friend after I declined taking drugs, my car has been vandalised and I have been lied to in the face by someone who kept playing the same record. I already know the truth and I know when people lie because energy will always tell me more than words will EVER. If the energy is off everything is f**ked. Insecure people will always lie that’s one thing I’ve learnt and sometimes I want to reciprocate the disrespect but then I look at their lifestyle and how life treats them…that is enough punishment. God can look after them.
And I know collectively we’re approaching some sort of peak insanity with AI intelligence now booming everywhere. It’s going to self destruct. After my recent trip to Istanbul I learnt that travelling through airports etc is nowhere near as bad as we’re told. And they hardly care about tests or vaxs or whatever. Reality is often a lot more relaxed than the sensational stories/headlines. I think a lot of it is purposefully injected into the narrative and is intended to whip up those who have clocked the deception and ensnare them, having them endlessly disgusted and outraged and still engaging in it, but just feeding it from the other side.
I’ve also learnt that what comes to the chakra centre system, the “hell” is when we focus way too much on the first three centres of selfishness, pleasure, nihilism, egoism, narcisstic thinking, hate, anger. But also if we focus way too much on the top chakras (crown and third eye) it can also make us very self- centred and make us feel “better” than others, because we are so “enlightened”. As always mentioned before I think balance is key so the best one to put most focus on is the middle aka the heart centre. That’s what we should be unlocking and activating the most, the others activate themselves right after! That’s what has been making me less restricted by telling my friends and close ones that they mean the world to me…
Trust
So trust in yourself and do the work, undercover. If you ever end up on stage wearing robes speaking to masses, I’ll come and watch and laugh at how far you’ve fallen. If you have the gifts, only you will know. If you’re unsure, test yourself and see what happens when you say kindess to those that seem to deserve it the least. Give out love as and when you can. Stand your ground, don’t worry about the response, do it to their soul. If you have “it” you’ll find out quick time. Do the work without telling people your’re doing the work. You don’t need a uniform or special tattoos either. Get them if you like, but they mean nothing. You’ve met many masters in your life, if they were doing their work properly, you’d have thought they were the most ordinary person ever, but the change they affected in your life was what they gave you. There are masters amongst us, they are undercover, they’re doing the work. If you knew they were a master, you may want to follow them. How would that help anyone? What does a person get from following another? You have real guidance, it’s always speaking to you. Do you hear it? Do you take action? Are you scared? Do you have doubts? If so what about? How strong is your faith?
Are you prepared to die a thousand deaths and lose everything to find yourself? Do you need a certificate and practice qualification if you do this?
If you do this, what parts of yourself do you think you’d have access to? How much of yourself are you prepared to look in the face, no matter how ugly what you see it? This sh*t is brutal dear one. The pay of is immeasureable, money in comparison is literally laughable. Be yourself on the inside, on the outside. This will make you attractive, if it is to come to you, it’ll find you and there will be nothing you could do to stop it. If you want to invoice people do that also, we are learning what we came here to do. I believe in giving it away, if you’re giving away the real sh*t “IT” rewards you in ways that will make you cry. Priceless sh*t the most terrifying and beautiful thing ever.
Ofcourse distancing from family is incongruous but when they have personality disorders, different beliefs etc, exhausting to explain to the layman means this IS the only way to go about doing things. I love them dearly more than they’ll ever know but the time is now to move onto a new chapter otherwise I’ll be held back for the rest of my life. I’ve had acquaintance’s say how lucky I am because I don’t have a husband, partner or children. But the truth is I’d love to have this, especially children. I can’t wait until I am a mother.
I heard a song when I was in a shop which I had to shazam called “Lighthouse” by Alex Blue, these types of genres are new to me but the lyrics are so relatable:
I’ve come to my senses, but I don’t know where to go
I just know it’s getting old
Losing here
I know all the answers - you don’t have to fix this
But I am so new to this, just being here
And they took all the parts of me
I wasn’t ready to lose
And I wondered if I’d ever wake up as somebody new
Tired run me down
Run me in the ground
I will build a lighthouse there somehow
April ran me down
Left me looking at the backside of a pig hurt
At the end of the month, mud thick as thighs was smeared across my eyelids and lipcorners and all over my spirit
So tired, this voice I am losing is both a red and white flag that tells a more honest story than my mouth does
I’m tired of the discipline it takes to say no
Of the daily quits and the daily ask
Each message a jagged skip and whatever groove I had finally slid into
Tired of being a thread always pulling through
Of showing up to a keyboard
Unimpressed by anything I have to offer
I understand
I, too, am unimpressed by my own biography
Tired of wanting to call my way through skin until
I am an indistinct skeleton, slinking out unnoticed
Perhaps then I wouldn’t be held the fire of my own splintered dreamboards
Shrink me tiny enough to escape failure
By anyone of my hundred definitions
Help me believe that this art was only ever an experiment
I’m tired of doing my best
Of telling the sugar to let me go
Of being looked at like the next shiny trophy
A feeling like a ladder rung, like an empty promised land
I’m tired of what it takes to get clear
Of how heavy the fighting heart weighs in
Of the not quite, almost, just wait here
Of the questioning of my own aloneness, of my own enoughness
Of my own too-muchness
April reminds me that I am a six-figure grave and
Whoever taught me what that would mean
Where is the triangle of blame that promise me relief one day?
Where is the relief in any of this one day?
I’ve played every angle and I’ve gotten good at it
So why am I losing it; my sanity
Now I guess that my life wasn’t built on my record to win
All that’s left is a prayer on my breath
I’m enough as I am
Tired run me down
Run me in the ground
I will build a lighthouse there somehow. (x2)
The truth is I am only bothered when I think or
I know I have completely lost control
My reputation, the feels, the knowing
I have chased and begged them home
Even in my dreams, but I never learned to lasso
So I’m doing my best for the thousandth time
To actually let it go
And anyone who’s ever eventually nailed crow pose or finally hit five miles knows
That repetition expecting a different result isn’t always insanity
Sometimes, it’s just a way of growth
I am flaking mud
Really, I am left in no one’s dust
I am miles behind and I am still winning
I wil never forget my own name
I am letting us all off my hooks
I am showing up, even when other people don’t
I am unlearning how to be tough and my fine hit curled kinks rarely dry pretty
But how refreshing to love myself however I become
I am not forcing resolve, because I’m not sure that’s the way life folds
But I am reconciling every version of myself
Because I want them to meet one day and have a good laugh at how right we swore we were
I am not made of formulas, so I can no longer respond on your cue
I'm gonna start asking questions that may make me seem slow
But I am labeling that a good four letter word
And I figured out that two pieces of dark chocolate a day are not adding more inches to my waist, than nearly three decades of stress I asked this body to stomach
The manna has come enough to know that I will not be buried alive
And I’ve never watched, but I can tell I am beautiful when I’m writing and I know there is a humble man saving the rest of his fourth of july’s for my firework giddy applause
And I don’t know where he is, but I know he doesn’t play hide-and-seek
And I know I want to tell him that I haven’t been waiting
I’ve been creating a hotel of stories he can thank for the shameless, crooked smile I’ve become
Tired run me down
Run me in the ground
I will build a lighthouse there somehow
I am flaking mud
I am waking up
Praise!
April is gone and I think may was a new sun and
I’ve never loved the sound of crumble as I do now
Under all that earth, I got soft, somehow
I got a second draft biography
It says: I’m not much of a sailor but I’ve built some sort of boat
If you judge me by my crew, I am thoroughly good
If you judge me by results
I am a two-time world champion of facing what I feared the most
I have been published by several renowned atlases, for my work repairing lighthouses using only sound
You’ll know they’re mine when you see them
How the lights loop haphazardly like they’re completely out of control
I will build a lighthouse there somehow