What are you afraid of? (part 2)

…continued, it was established that we live in a world ruled by fear and fear has an intelligent way to justify total B.S and paint it it’s polar opposite. Germ theory is one of the greatest falsities of all. One less thing to fear as an enemy. One more reason to question everything those wizard priests in white lab coats have peddled us over the years.

Fear also called khawf means to slip away from comfort and security by recognising the warning of Allah (SWT) . In Islam this is a fundamental ingredient in the stages of one’s relationship with God, when one can balance fear with hope. There is a hadith which states: My relationship to you is like a man who forces back those who are throwing themselves into a fire. You are throwing yourselves into a fire (by committing sins) but I am pulling you back. This denotes that there are those who, although good natured, believing and inclined to do good, cannot completely refrain from committing sins. To help them in their struggles to avoid sin, God may cause some of these mishappenings from occuring. Fear can be further divided in two parts, awe and reverance. What does this mean? Awe essentially means to flee towards God, reverance causes an intiate towards Him. The word fear does not imply panic what it implies is reverance, yet not the sort that rules out boldness. We know that through God’s grace that sins are forgiven and that they are in God’s favour so that we can be bold in invoking Him asking for His help. Panicky fear would inhibit all of that. Panic, shaking in the boots fear is not the sort of fear that the Qu’ran mentions (well it might do don’t quote me on it). It is more to do with a deep concern to please Him. If someones heart is full of fear and awe for God then he cannot be afraid of others and is therefore freed from all unnecessary suffocating fear. Those who arrange their lives according to their fear of God use their willpower carefully and strive to avoid sins and thus fly into heavens of God’s approval. Working on this recently has been beneficial because I don’t feel that scared but I also feel protected which is a whole juxtaposition in itself.

Love, love, love…

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) the bravest man in history brought the greatest revolution to mankind in the Arabian Peninsula. His greatness can be judged from the fact that anyone who came in contact with him accepted him as his master. It is the cowards who say “Go ahead” whilst the brave say “step back” . The secret of bravery does not lie in magical prescriptions or spritiual exercises undertaken in seclusion. Inner strength is developed when one is free from all selfish ties. When all superfical thinking is set aside as Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) stated that when all prejudice, anger, greed, hate, the lust for power, vanity, self-interest or any urge is set aside, this is what makes the strength of character. It is an irresistable force in life which enables one to face every test. It will be visible in the mannerism. Understanding this fear will inevitably allow someone to act correctly.

Fear and Victim mentality:

Some of the people with the biggest barks and strongest fists have a victim mentality. I roll my eyes when NPD pops up on Youtube I think try living with a kafir aka non muslim parents with BPD and Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD) and a father with covert NPD, leaving me to play the role of the scapegoat and my sister as the golden child. I didn’t know about these terms until a few years ago. Luckily, my sister does not live with us so she is in a better place. She does not have to listen to the loud religious audio every morning. The absolute reality of living with the combination of the two is like hell. Literally. In fact the realisation was awakened once when I recently had to give away my kitten because they started to abuse it and using it as an object to control me. Worrying about the mess it will make, to leave it in the coldest room, not to put it in my room as this will “mess” everything up and “serving me right” because the kitten was chewing on my lights. I love them dearly which makes it ever so difficult because they also have this “I love you so much BUT you also have to be afraid of me and DO what I say otherwise I’ll crush you and send you to hell”.

I believe it’s more important to be a decent person and do decent things because your heart pulled you towards doing that, rather than because you were dictated to do so. That is not to say that outside forces hold no value, they probably are and are intrinsically connected, but to me it’s not simple as blindly following an idol worshipping religion to live by. Right character, right attitude, right action and correct conduct should follow naturally after tending to one’s inner life to be a garden of truth and consequential “goodness”. As opposed to all the destructive, harmful things that are cultivated from holding a garden full of darkness and toxicity within that we’re too afraid of dealing with or avoid having to deal with it. If we’re just doing good out of fear or punishment or hope for reward, that isn’t real goodness. Like doing charity for appearances. It’s not real charity. It’s not real goodness. We have to come to these realisations. You can’t reach morality, you have to feel it, you have to know it in your heart. I don’t want to think I’m “saved” because I follow Islam, I want to save myself because I earned it through being truthful to my real nature and worked for it. Because I tried to be a decent person and made decisions for the right reasons. Not because I was told to do so. I don’t want to be scared or feared or manipulated into adhering to a doctrine because of terrifying consequences if I don’t. That’s abusive and that’s wrong. I don’t want to assign myself to something becauase I’m so terrified of what will happen if I don’t. That’s literally coercion. Telling me I’m going to be reincarnated into a rock for all of eternity or that I will be punished if I don’t say “xyz” and believe “abc” is mental. There have been several times where I have refused to attend events, drink from “holy water”, put headphones on to prevent listening to things that I don’t want to. This has broken the family dynamics completely that I am not able to speak to other extended members of the family if I wanted to. If they were so religious they wouldn’t be acting like that. I don’t need to spew self righteous word salad to do that. I believe children are better evidence of God’s love and mercy and omnipresence and glory than someone who memorised words and chapters and knows how to psychologically beat me into submission until I fear what happens after death more than I am able to discern nonsense. You can keep your psychopathic burnt sacrafice aroma huffing overlord. I’ll pore over the pages of life and my children instead where all the real evidence for God resides. Not this. This is cult like behaviour and only someone who lives with non muslim parents with personality disorders will feel that it can be impossible and can be difficult to get behind. I need to take an honest look at the way Islam is used and practiced at the moment. There’s so much incredible beauty to partake in every religion, by all means I respect all, but for me, I need to take an intellectual traverse during this daunting pit of darkness that I have been surrounded with.

At home, it creates this schism where they feel all this guilt and fear but are then still impassioned, vibrant human beings to the outside, so they become extremely distorted and deceptive especially to themselves. They seem to be oblivious to this and resent any questioning of this contradiction too because it threatens the obvious absurdity of their position. I’d rather them just own their “flawed” nature and be glorious in this than pretend to be all perfect but be an absolute monster when they’re put under any pressure or when you can see behind the curtain. I know my soul is here for exploration and expansion, purpose and passion I do not need anymore “healing”.

A very good example of this is depicted in “Girl Interrupted” where Susanna discusses her condition with the therapist, the mother, Annette clearly showing all the traits of NPD and BP trait since everything is about her, dismissing Susanna. (https://rebeccac172000.medium.com/narcissistic-mothers-what-to-watch-or-read-ac7ffa056c3e) is a great website to show other similar films/books which portary these traits. Some say having NPD combined with BPD is a demonic possession, but I don’t like to think too much about that since it does scare me, there is truth to it I know. There have been times where I feel like I live in a spiders web. At home, the veneer of goodness and virtue and all the rest of it is sickening when you’ve seen past it…like a mask that falls…what’s behind is horrifying actually when you really try to empathise what sort of dynamic creates such disconnect. Growing up never been able to celebrate birthdays, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t social enough, if my mother was having a bad day, she would come home and be nasty and insult me and blame me for her life. Always causing a riff raff between my sister and I. Never been able to talk to me about any problems I was facing in my life. Anytime I tried to talk it was dismissed and the focus went back on herself. She has loved seeing me in misery. This idea of me having to be so “productive” every single day has been embedded from childhood and is another tactic used by NPD individuals. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHDJj38GSjo&ab_channel=JayReid-RecoveryfromBadChildhoods) Jay Reid highlights this further here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6kdS6Ykb_M&ab_channel=JayReid-RecoveryfromBadChildhoods. My mother always projected the energy that I was defective just like my father, when in reality she was the broken one causing her husband and her daughters to struggle. The “Crappy Childhood Fairy” also on Youtube has good content and explains this in depth like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga4VHjKkv70&ab_channel=CrappyChildhoodFairy However, as much as I feel sorry for them, the guilt thing is a big part of it, especially when it’s a parent. But it’s also important to look at the guilt and shame, and so I had to ask myself, is it justified or has or it been placed by them acting like a victim? Obviously when we do f**k up we have to be accountable and realistic but also it is so easy to be guilt tripped by NPD. These types often think everyone is stupid and so behave in ways they think won’t be critically analysed and that’s the error. You also “feel” when something isn’t right and you can lie all day long but that sh*t rings loud. The tactics and games outlined in NPD individuals are common connections that are total life-force drains. For example, pretending not to understand, deflect and attack, deny and distract, telling you what to think and feel and reframing. Recognise the stress, anguish, exasperation, exhaustion and that feeling that you’re just not getting anywhere and with love and light get out. They literally feed on your emotional response called “narcisstic supply” and so the only way to go about is to abandon sincere communication when communicating with the terminally insincere. Scapegoats usually escape and isolate themselves in their rooms as children reading, writing, drawing, creating their own world until they can go to another country or far away for college, work, teaching, adventure, love or just peace. I always feel relief when I’m far away from home. Always. As a scapegoat, the time that I have been living with them, I feel like I am going crazy, I am feeling guilty about leaving but its not conclusive to my well being. My sister and I took on my mothers saddness and it’s time to change. Most just don't understand and can't describe how it is to live with them, I often forget about these things because I don’t like to focus on the negative until major happens.

Associated with this are the typical Neptune themes of sacrifice, victim and martyr complex; as well as having a God complex, this is highly likely with a mother who had to relinquish many of her own personal desires in order to raise a family. Many adults are unconscious of the sacrifices and demands of parenthood until they become parents themselves, then the realisations begin to dawn, and a greater understanding and appreciation of their own parents is born. Some adjustment of this mother image and ideal is probably needed, especially in order to realise your own nurturing and protective instincts, and to harmonise your emotions more effectively. It can reflect a need to give birth, (mother) to a new self that can emerge from within you, a self that is intimately connected with the well-being of a wider society and one which is connected to the impulse of the Aquarian Age which is now emerging. As mentioned, the child ends up growing to be guilty about feeling happy if the mother is so frustrated, unfulfilled and miserable, or he/she could blame him/herself for the mother's condition. Anxious attachers often will attract avoidant partners because the reason most people have an anxious attachment is that one of their primary caregivers (mother or father) was an avoidant attacher. However, people with anxious attachment styles (depending on the level of anxiety) can often create a great partnership with a secure attachment person, who will by their steadiness and patience allow the anxious attacher to relax and become more secure themselves.

The mother may be so over-sensitive and delicate that the child ends up having to mother the mother so he/she never fully is able to be happy. Either way the child who grows up and has not evolved, or is unconcious of what is happening, ends up wearing rose coloured glasses and enters into a doomed relationship that is unfulfiling but they don’t leave because they have been conditioned to “feel bad”. If you want to add planets in there, Saturn will break this pattern, and make you wear a pair of dark, blue gloomy glasses to wear in its stead but will provide you the tools for you to be free. Saturn might crop up in a transit or in a person. Yes we all have NPD traits but to differentiate whether the individual has NPD or has these traits is to live with them, you’ll know the difference instantly.

I feel like humans have a tendency to fear and thus demonise things which are new and unpredictable like with cryptocurrency. Fear is understandable but work with it, don’t just sit in it, understand it and reframe it to hype you up even more.

Fear and emotional stability:

To me, emotional stability is not a detachment from lifes up and downs. But always wanting to go back to the middle. Fear allows us to destablise our emotions. Emotional stability is emotional intelligence too i.e knowing that only you are responsible for how you feel. And also keeping a positive frame of mind of "this too shall pass" in seemingly terrible situations.

One of the ways that I cope with anything conflicting is by trying to read a prayer (well I’ve been slacking with everything atm) and then hitting the gym. It’s my time to sweat it out. Recently, something strange happened whilst I was at the gym, I don’t wear my contact lenses so I can’t see from afar. I have been trying to lose weight so I went into the studio room and did my weighted workout. A guy, came in and did his workout right on the otherside of the room. I had come to the end of my work out and headed out the room to do some cardio. A couple of days later I came with my mother and did the same workout. This time he said to me “Don’t worry, the studio room is all yours”. I nodded and went in secretely glad that I could work out properly. Now the next time, I’m walking out into the gym car park, my car tyre got a puncture. I was thinking all sorts, my phone battery was low, my father was at work, I was already late to meet my friend, I was intending on going on Youtube to follow a step by step on how to change a car tyre. I called a couple of friends who had been in the same situation before but no-one answered, I didn’t have any “why me?” thoughts. I saw the same guy approaching his car was parked adjacent to mine, I avoided him and focused on how to change my tyre. He noticed that my car tyre pressure had gone down and offered to help. This guy changed my car tyre without me saying anything. I felt so embaressed for having such a “stush” attitude and containing that “dont talk to me” vibe. I felt like an idiot because it’s times like these when you notice how you act. I don't know if this man has any idea how much he helped me but it got me home safely. Random acts of kindness need to be spread more into the world. It temporarily restored my faith in humanity!

Joy is a power, cultivate it…

In astronomy, the Part of Fortune, sometimes called Fortuna, is the most popular Arabic Part. It certainly has an intriguing name. Most of us have our dreams; that pot-of-gold that we seek. And to the cosmic community, that is exactly what the Part of Fortune indicates: the “pot-of-gold” that is waiting at the end of our own personal rainbows. The key is to understand that the pot-of-gold referred to is and what best serves the purpose and evolution of our soul, not our ego. The Part of Fortune looks like a circle with an “x” in it. The house in which it is positioned in is said to represent the area in which our endeavors are most likely to be auspicious. It will show you which house you will be the most abundant in. Mine is in Taurus.

Arabic Parts are sensitive points in a chart, and are calculated using specific formulas whereby two planets or points are added together, and a third planet or point is subtracted from that result. The Part of Fortune is calculated as follows:

For day charts, Ascendant + Moon - Sun

For night charts, Ascendant + Sun - Moon

Note that a chart is considered a day chart when the Sun is above the horizon (occupying any house from house 7 to 12), and a night chart when the Sun is below the horizon (occupying any of the first six houses). The Part of Fortune represents worldly success, and is associated with the physical body and health as well. It can be indicative of the career or vocation. The Part of Fortune lies the same distance in longitude from the Ascendant as the Moon lies from the Sun. Therefore, if for example the Sun is conjunct the Moon in the natal chart, the Part of Fortune will lie close to the Ascendant; and if the Sun and Moon are in opposition in the natal chart, the Part of Fortune will lie close to the Descendant. It is interesting to note that the Arabic part, is calculated in an opposite manner, and also symbolizes the reverse or opposite theme of spiritual well-being. If the Part of Fortune is not listed or included in your natal chart wheel, you can calculate the Part of Fortune (and other Arabic Parts) with Googling “online Arabic Part Calculator”. It's easy and accurate. Some formulas listed here have both an AM and PM version.

The PM version is a reverse of the AM version and when indicated, persons born in the daytime (Sun in 7th - 12th houses) should use the AM formula while persons born in the evening (Sun in 1st - 6th houses) should use the PM formula. Sometimes it's best to try both formulas. Check the placement of the Sun in the chart, it must be sensibly placed relative to the horizon for the given time of day. For a day birth, the Sun must be above the horizon.

Placements that improve chances of obtaining money or having a good relationship with money are Jupiter, NN or Venus in the 2nd. Some say Jupiter has some joy in the 2nd. Likewise, the malefics like Saturn and Mars and SN are considered poorly placed in the 2nd and indicates negative issues. Traditionally retrograde planets are not considered helpful. Look also to the signs of these planets as well. For example, Jupiter in Capricorn in 2nd will not operate well.

Once total fear has been recognised you can start to add more fun into your life. So February is my “new year”. Simple things like matching my outfits make me feel good. I have a Turkish and Albanian wedding to attend soon which should be so much fun, I found the best place to buy haute couture maxi dresses from in London which I cannot wait to wear. I was also introduced to a beautiful Lebanaese girl who is quite well known in the social media world who wanted to do bridal make-up on me too! I’m not too keen on heavy makeup now and I have never had a make over before so why not give it a try but that means I may have to reactivate my insta :(

As most of you are painfully aware, I have made mistakes. I will continue to make them. This is a learning process, and no magical method, insight or book alone is going to get me there.

It is going to take practice, and practice means progress made with errors along the way. If I will not ATTEMPT to ride the bicycle of my ego, desire, conditioning and learn to control them, if I will not mount and ride for fear of falling down, then how will I ever learn to ride? I just had a thought. I don’t remember the great majority of my life. When I search in messages, texts come up that remind me of events in my life that I had completely forgotten about. I have over a thousand’s of photos in my phone and when I do a random scroll to see where I end up, so often it will be of times or events I hadn’t and wouldn’t have thought about or remembered, ever. We define ourselves by our memories. The great reason people fear death is because we fear forgetting our memories and thus our ideas of ourselves. But I don’t remember probably ninety percent of my life and yet I have never felt more like “me”. I remember events that I didn’t take photos of.

Infact, the more in the moment I become, the more I feel like me. Full. And present. Undivided and sharp. Recently I’ve felt a strong retraction of the things I’ve defined myself by. I know my character is being refined. My soul is ripping through my personality and shredding it in the process. It’s a somewhat unsettling process but I’ve never felt more up for anything. I suspect this is a process that is necessary and we’re offered it multiple times throughout our lives if we are willing and able to endure it. And those who resist, who maintain their iron grip on their idea of who they think they are… maybe have a more coarse shredding later through a crisis of sorts and if this is resisted the entire life, perhaps through experiences like dementia where our memories and character are forcibly torn from us. This has a south node feel to it. Pulling my head off. I’m heading towards my north node. But ultimately, a simplification and a consolidation and a refining and purifying of the character in order to be better aligned with the soul, is a somewhat daunting prospect to those who, like myself, almost prided myself on my strong character with all these ideas I once held about myself. But life, like a caterpiller is a series of metamorphoses if we accept. Each time, retreating into a state unrecognisable, only to emerge as something we never could have imagined. Free of the burden of history, letting go, releasing the heaviness of the past. Ready to take flight as something new. Something potent and something true. And maybe death is something like this. Where what we have, all we remain as, is the energy birthed by the pinnacle moments that shaped us in physical life. What we do with those experiences and who we become—what our essence becomes from them. I think throughout life we die many times. And death at the end of this physical incarnation is the ultimate example of the death we’ve already endured many times over. If that’s the case, I don’t think death is anything to fear, after all our souls our returned to our creator, awaiting the Day Of Judgement. It’s just the ultimate refinement. The climax of a wave that was our life where only our ultimate essence is carried through and memories don’t matter. What we’ve become because of those memories is what matters. Further accentuating life as an alchemical journey that is ours to do with what we wish.

Abundance doesn’t shrink in places. I think the desire to look after a cat to maintain my sanity whilst living at home, to tend to plants, or keep a garden all comes from the desire to care for something. To nuture something. The greatest manifestation of this being would be to raise a child. It’s a wonderful thing to be loved but I think what every person desires more…is to love. But to love something outside of oneself. To be filled with love and pour it out into our beloved. I still grew up showing love and light and will continue to do so. You gain nothing when you are miserable and always thinking negatively. My mother couldn't break me neither could anyone after her. I am good enough and I am actually pretty awesome and it’s okay to believe that. It’s okay to have love for myself. I’m not selfish to believe this despite her telling me so my whole life. God gives me my unlimited love, power and strength. When God is for you no one can be against you and win! Truly. For every act to be in service of love, devoted to another, being fed by this glorious dynamic, however quiet, delicate and gentle, burning, passionate and glorious. I can feel the rumble of life returning as we trudge out of Winter. The Spring is approaching. The upswing of the cycle crawling round. I feel it in the air. It’s tangible. I literally feel lighter. Something has shifted or changed. I can see more clearly, the heaviness has lifted and optimism is high. Like a feeling of the moment just before Spring returning. So gorgeous. Whatever the meaning of life is perhaps into a myriad of different forms, depending on the being questioning it, however I think this is mine…to love…time is more valuable than gold, time to live life!