What are you afraid of? (part 1)

I was talking to my parents about the undeniable and irrefutable presence of hierarchy within nature. Us being as much of a part of nature as the birds and the trees and the lions and the sheep and the hyenas and the stars and the heavens. Hierarchy exists within all of them—specifically within nature, the Sun being the King and not comparable to even the great Jupiter. We discussed how you can’t deny the hierarchy where even when one man has a gargantuan influence over another man, he is above him in the “hierarchy”. This may be uncomfortable or a truth we may not like accepting if we are uncomfortable with our place within the hierarchy… but it doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing. Being lower down in a hierarchy literally just means being more free in reality. Less expectation. Less pressure. Less responsibility to anyone except yourself… but this culture has glorified being at the top. And thus this is why there’s often such a hostility towards those we literally call the “elite”. I know I have mentioned this. But we end up behaving like slaves regardless. My father and I discussed, perhaps this is where my feminine trait kicks in and feel that the masculine trait feels the need to work until you are at the top. To their very existence. To their influence. To their dictates. We watch them and respond to them like they have power over us and when we do this, they literally do have power over us! We are handing it over to them through our witness which is our most precious commodity. I’ve been at this for YEARS now.

I’ve exhausted many avenues of liberating myself from the “beast system”. Whilst simultaneously attempting to maintain respect for myself and others, maintain my sanity and peace and joy… and for me anyway, I’ve had the list of possibilities whittled right down to bothering only with the world directly around me, both online and offline—the only thing I have an actual influence over. Still never getting the vaccine. Anything else is a waste of precious time, energy and spiritual resources. Tend to your garden and let the butterflies come to you and all that. There are some uncomfortable truths in life. This will never change. There are some evil motherf**ers out there and always will be. To my non muslim friends who follow Teal Swan or Sadh Guru please consider Islam. That Teal Swan goes on about how children have lost their innocence and need to go back and reclaim their innocence whilst gazing seductively down the camera? The other one Sadh Guru works for The World Economic Forum all he goes on about is the holiness of science and how everyone should take the vaccine and if you don’t then you’re selfish and stupid. These robed gurus on stages have people worship them should instantly ring alarm bells. Not allowing oneself to succumb to the superficially soothing allure of victimhood is truly the cheat code to enduring this realm without being caught up in it. This escapism from gender and general sort of nebulous fluidity of identity that’s so prevalant at the moment is going the exact opposite of what it presents itself as doing. It’s profound weakness dresssed up as strength. It’s incredible inauthentically presenting as “real”. It’s a deep existential insecurity pretending to be confident and all figured out. It’s liberalism that is at its core oppresive. Being susceptiable to truly absurd illogical, “harmful” propaganda creates space for psychological crisis that tends to come via unpleasent, tough lessons that can affect a whole lifetime. It’s not nice to watch but we’ve seen, these people wont learn any other way. They do not want to hear anything about getting around it, or over it, so I guess it seems they really just have to go through it.

Archetypes will be fulfilled for life to go on. For the ocean to continue to be churned. But gazing too deep into the abyss will have it start gazing straight back into you. This is true. I think it’s a necessary part of the process but eventually for one’s own sake, this should be transcended. If we wish to help others from a place of health and happiness ourselves. Because helping others from a place of pain and torment and trauma doesn’t actually do good. We have to fix ourselves and our own lives before being concerned with “the world”. It’s just insane otherwise! Far too many people are eager to join “hashtag movements” but have no clue about themselves. Take Greta Thunberg for example. Take Balenciaga…

Balenciaga

Balenciaga, which I have never ever liked never mind bought is owned by the French corporation Kering who also owns Gucci, Saint Laurent, Bottega Veneta, Alexander McQueen, Brioni, Boucheron, Pomellato, DoDo, Qeelin, as well as Kering Eyewear. This was new to me as it was brought to my attention whilst walking through Selfridges. Well seeing as I don't watch news, don't follow “famous” people, don't trust politicians, don't care about royals, don't believe there is a justice system, etc . Balenciaga, has been in the spotlight recently for a campaign featuring children holding bears dressed in fetish gear, and for having documents about child sexual abuse in their photo shoots. Despite what the apology they came out with says, the truth is that photo shoots don’t just spring out of nowhere and many people within the hierarchy must’ve given the go-ahead for this campaign to happen. One of the photographs has Balenciaga tape spelt “BAALenciaga”. Baal was the ancient Canaanite god who sacraficed children, usually the first born and then incinerated alive. This conclusively proves that this all goes higher than just the photographer. If the photographer slipped court documents in a shoot that’s one thing, but a Balenciaga factory had to spring this tape exactly stating BAALenciaga. That campaign was a catalogue, everything on that is a gift that you can buy. You have certain sizes for these toys and all kinds of couture. The children has to be a certain size so you can see how small the next size down is, do you really think those BDSM things were suppose to be on that bear? or are they functional? The children on the photos are actually put there as a gift with all other things Balenciaga put on offer in The Gift Shop. They are not just models, they are included and presented there as a gift. As I mentioned before the fashion industry are very shrewed, many conversations occured before this was launched, they knew exactly what they were doing, fashion is a money game. The recent Paris fashion week was staged in a huge mud show with many famous celebrities attending this pit of hell. They used mud as this years theme, I don’t know if this is their latest dystopian vision for hell on earth or they could be mocking the mudflood theory. The new series of trainers that have been launched by them look like they have gone through Auschwitz and back and cost $1850, not only is this conguent with their agenda you will own nothing and look like a hobo, but they’re purposely testing to see if people are going to buy it just because some paid celebrities promoted it. This is not about fashion or being trendy, Balenciaga will get away with it, this is literally an IQ test for humanity. Balenciaga was testing the waters. How close are we to getting the public to accept paedophilia and child abuse? So they’ll back off for now. But they will be back. Again reinforcing that a) you have no power in this system and to just accept it rather than going down the rabbit hole and b) that we need religion aka Islam to survive otherwise it will be ruled by the satanic force.

Growth

These three mind habits that will help to grow:

Jealousy:

You are going to feel jealous when you are not following your own dreams. When a close family member, friend etc. achieves something great and you feel resentful it’s because you are busy or stuck in your life that you would rather not be. Throw caution to the wind, be brave and start following your dreams. When you do this, celebrate with them, you don’t want to be that person that is dimming someones shine.

Inadequacy:

Feeling inadequate, feeling not good enough, being a human is good enough, you’re an emotional, sentient, deep, clever human being, you are enough. Embody, walk the walk of the person you want to be, a version of yourself that is less negative.

Guilt:

It’s time you forgave yourself and let go, to stay in the past, to carry emotions from the past is insantiy. It’s okay, but to continue to feel guilty about something that happened in the past messes up all that you actually have which I wrote more on my previous blog.

Your life is no different from a book, it has a beginning, middle and an end, some bits are awesome, some bits are sad, some bits are epic and some are scary... but you want be the character that saves the day. Or in this case, saves your life. Don't get to sixty and wish you'd done anything differently. Do the inner work like no one now so you can live like no one later. If you’re not growing then you’re dying. To grow these three habits can be implemented to reach your full potential.

Dream state

The things we are told in dreams are not accidents. They will serve some significant purpose later down the line. We’re taught to treat our dreams as meaningless illusions but they’re actually so far from that it’s insane. Our waking left brained consciousnesses process our subjective experience but our right brained consciousness is tuned into all that is and is a direct channel for the Divine to communicate to us. And that right brain is what dreams. Becoming lucid within the dream is bringing the left brain conscious awareness into the right brain environment, meaning we can comprehend and articulate what God or the Divine or the Universe is trying to communicate to us. They are not accidental. Dreams reflect the inner you. Nightmares are trying to tell you something. Luckily I have only had two nightmares in my entire life. Time is simply a factor to comprehend their significance. I have had crazy dreams which is why at times I like to put my phone on aeroplane mode to get good quality sleep. I have dreamt of things that have been true without knowing how, when or why. It’s sometimes fun sometimes not so fun when you’re randomly given scenarios to decipher what to do with it.

Serenity

Those who don’t know me think I don't care or don't feel anything. Especially when something big or traumatising happens around me I can't cry or say anything, I process things differently. There were many times when I had attended funerals and couldn’t cry so I would force myself to try and cry to look “normal” LOL. But now I truly don’t care about how I am perceived I’d rather have integrity and no recognition than adoration for bullsh*t. I have been receiving all these signs from God and felt like I have being punished. I’m talking blatent signs that I DO NOT go out looking for. I was busy being productive in other areas of my life during Christmas, I was ignoring some of “friends” who have been trying to arrange rishta’s a.k.a marriage proposals for me. Being a Mamma to lots of kids and being a wife to a more traditional man and together building something magnificent that people can come to visit us where I can connect with people personally one on one and hold events etc is my ultimate dream.

This guy came into my dreams first after we physically parted ways for many years. It was August and during lockdown I was creating all these cooking content for my Instagram, making myself as busy as possible. I had a dream that he was very distraught about a girl and wanted some help. I brushed this off like “meh it was just a dream hope he’s okay kinda thing”. After all we weren’t in contact and I thought it was a bit odd to contact him about this. Fast forward a couple of months later in October I had the reoccuring dream,I decided to find his number and reconnect, we exchanged a few conversations here and there and he confirmed that he was distraught! My jaw dropped so we met a couple of months later and I told him that I had a dream about him being upset etc, I didn’t mention about a girl incase it freaked him out. He confirmed that the dream was significant. I don’t know how or why but I was puzzled and shocked. I didn’t expect to be super attracted to him either, but I was, and so I told him that I had feelings for him. I was rejected but continued to speak to him. For the rest of the year we remained civil and spoke here and there. So that is how it started…

These last six months have shown me that the more I disregarded the signs the more prominent they became. It came to the point that I wanted the best for him even if it was without me, I just couldn’t handle it any longer. The day before I saw him, I bumped into an old colleague of mine and she kept mentioning things that would describe specific details about him which I did not mention. So randomly the following day whilst I was sleeping, he turns up out of nowhere and wanted to meet. This was perplexing, but at the same time like a puzzle wanting to see how this all unfolds. I loved the spontaneous and fearlessness in him to meet. It’s rare to find men with such forceful nature who do not follow the crowd.

So off I went, I had no makeup on and plonked on some gym gear to reunite with the handsome man, if dressed otherwise my parents suspicion would arise so it cut a lot of time and interrogation. Internally I was hairy and fat. The absolute embaressment when you keep going on about the gym and then have the contrary of a gym body and hairy because you have to wait to get waxed! I wanted to look half decent atleast, especially because I hadn’t seen him in years. But I thought if he’s seeing me at my worst then that’s not such a bad thing.

This guy has so much skill. A builder of dreams…my dreams anyway. Him being so physically gorgeous, spiritually and religiously atuned, masculinity at his finest and at his highest, is the most kindest soul one could find, different...I digress. If it doesnt match my soul I don’t want it. I thought perhaps if ignoring what I have is seen is rejecting God’s creation in my eyes.

To me love is seeing all the flaws and still choosing to be with that person anyways because you deeply care about them. Actions speak louder than words to me. I am the type that will wait until the other person says “I love you” first though. Romantically, far too many people mistake co-dependency for love and I believe that's why they say “love” too easy and fast...it's actually an expression of their need for that person to satisfy some of their desires and it's often unconscious. I know a few people who have had traumatic experiences with love but I think I have to thank God for being so Jupitarian about it all. I wanted to spend all day in his presence just sitting and talking, nothing else. Well eating. Nothing more like quality time. Attraction is important. I actually did things very much outside my comfort zone whilst in his presence that I have never done before. It would have been heavenly if I was held tightly and made felt really wanted especially in this lonely world that I live in. It sounds pretty dim but it does get like that at times. Sometimes the “strong” one needs loving too, needs “checking” on, wants to be acknowledged with a “I’m thinking of you hope you are okay”. Not all the time.

I think there is a voice inside my head who’s soul intention is to f**k my life up and to keep me small and to keep me feeling unimportant. I need to distinguish which is my voice and which is my shared monkey brain. My soul is the observer and when I stop and learn how to quieten down that voice by meditating/praying there is peace, that’s when monkey brain goes off. Only then I can determine the successfullness by how peaceful I am. Is it me that just hears it? unfortunately not, a thought is a frequency, an energy vibration. An emotion has a particular frequency, when you think and feel something, you are creating a wave ripple which is pulled out around you. They can be measured and forever resonate out affecting the external reality. Which is why is it SO important to watch how you think, how you feel, because the world will bow in service of those exact thoughts. I have slowly come to terms that worrying is a total waste of energy and life, keeping you busy doing nothing. To accept that things will work out and that life is a journey that will be full of ups and downs and is here to test you, things actually GET better. Negativity is a part of life, how we deal with it ultimately is what says the most about us. Ignoring that it exists and refusing to face it is just a little ridiculous.

I was babysitting my friends baby the other day, she is pure love, she is a gift. I’m immediately filled with delight when I see her, being a parent is a gift. Never could I understand how parents could regret it, having a child must give you all the reason why the world says none, like God. Opening one’s heart can be difficult, it’s a slow but steady process and I’m glad that it’s on my path now. I’m also aware that I might stumble a lot on the way and probably get intrusive thoughts. Love is peace. I do not like to put a label on things like “soul mate” or “twin flame” because it is so overrated that people go searching for this and their energy screams “I have inner work to do” so they are never ready to meet their match. It takes inner work to find someone and God sees that and THEN rewards you with your perfect match. My friends and family saw how distraught I was over Christmas as if my soul had died, as dramatic as that sounds. We're brought up that love is tit-for-tat I do this so you do that. I make you feel this way, you make me feel that way. It's “if I like what they like or I act a certain way, they'll love me back”. If you do something wrong, the other person is within their rights to walk away. And if you do this, you actually don’t love yourself enough. Our concept of romantic love is based on attachment. Unconditional love is acceptance. Never take advice from someone who you would not want to swap lives with. I’ve done this and to my detriment who ended up being a jealous enemy. Unconditional love is about loving yourself and accepting yourself as you are. When you can do that, you're able to accept another person as they are. This doesn't mean accepting bad or abusive behaviour, far from it. But loving them unconditionally means you see the person beyond the behaviour you see through their façade. You do not judge them. It’s very understanding. You may need to walk away and detach, but that doesn't mean you have to stop loving them, quite the opposite even.

Poets talk about love, as if it is the most wonderful thing. Scientist try to figure out love through science, hormones, chemicals, the material and mundane. Spiritual gurus speak of love as if it is what the universe is made of. Artists paint love. Religious folks say God is love. Musicians are inspired by love, compose music about that thing we call love. Philosophers argue about what love is.

But the truth is, love is only known through experience. The opposite of a shadow is light, understanding your shadow helps you light up. The below may help someone understand this better. Words are just abstract theory. If we are concerned about learning what light/love is, then we know what we must do figure it out, some how, find out what energy blocks we have, learn to love in the truest way possible, find our way back to ourselves, find our way back to love.

“This perspective (of fear) has been so thoroughly internalized that many who adopt this outlook are not aware of its influence on their behaviour” (Frank Furedi, How Fear Works: Culture of Fear in the Twenty-First Century)

For most people, such a perspective comes across as common sense. This does not mean that people are perpetually scared or fearful; rather, the perspective of fear works by sensitising people to focus on potential threats and dangers while distracting attention from the probable positive outcome of engaging with uncertainty. In viewing the world through a perspective of fear, people see risks in things, behaviours and activities which in generations past were not considered risky. I’m talking about minor things that now is seen as “risky” like eating, loving, caring etc. They are overly fearful of threats which are an inevitable part of life and they evaluate experiences first and foremost on the basis of the potential risks they entail. What is more, the meaning of “risk” has taken on a largely negative connotation. Up until the latter half of the twentyth century, it was common sense that many risks are worth taking as long as one was motivated by a noble enterprise, self-realisation, by the spirit of adventure or by values such as freedom and truth. Facing up to risks was acknowledged to be a precondition to cultivation of character and even the accomplishment of greatness. Or as Nietzsche put it, “The devotion of the greatest is to encounter risk and danger and play dice for death”. Instead of being celebrated, today the risk-taker is often castigated as foolish, selfish and a danger to both himself and others. This negative perception of risk-taking is driven by worst-case thinking. Many people are pre-disposed to thinking of the worst that can happen and they behave as if it is likely to happen. And the exact thing ends up occuring.

Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it is the ability to manage fear, and to control yourself while afraid. If we are behaving a certain way towards somebody just to keep them happy or because we’re scared of their reaction, are we then being “fake”? Or false perhaps? Is what we’re offering them truly loving and caring or is it actually selfishness in disguise? Not like self indulgent selfishness but selfishness in the way of we don’t want to do the right thing by them and by ourselves (which would be being honest) because WE don’t want to feel uncomfortable or have bad feelings…This isn’t a condemnation this is something I’ve worked through with myself and so wonder if there’s any parallels. When the reality is that on some level everyone knows the truth. Our higher selves are tuned into the truth, regardless of what peoples mouths/actions are showing or what our conscious mind wants to see or is choosing to discern or not discern. Hence why lies can be so destructive. So if we’re not being honest or upfront with somebody because we don’t want to feel the discomfort or fear of being honest, or if we go along with a situation or relationship or behaviour because it’s easier to do or we don’t wish to make them feel bad… the other person will be able to feel and intuit what we’re really feeling and experiencing and the contradiction of this reality with what we’re presenting will create subtle even subconscious feelings of suspicion. They can feel one thing and we’re telling them what they’re feeling is incorrect and presenting them with our false version of reality to soothe the situation that maybe needs to fall apart to be rebuilt healthily and honestly. It’s literally a case of, if we’re not honest or upfront about what we’re feeling, the real, honest conversation is happening anyway… and we will cause people to feel distrustful of us. And this won’t always be at the conscious level. But it will be there. And so it doesn’t serve us or them to not just be honest about how we’re feeling. I feel it’s better to be honest about our emotional reality and thus displease somebody than lie about our emotional reality to please somebody and it hurt us and the relationship. People pleasers and those not being real with themselves end up irritating more harsh people like my father for example. Although our relationship is random, I deeply love my father for seeing through all the B.S. I have a friend who I love dearly and totally understand and forgive her people pleasing ways because I know her upbringing. But when she is around my house, my father gets annoyed with her really quickly and easily because he just wants her to say what she really means because we all know it anyway. That’s the thing. We all really do know it anyway. And if we don’t own and honour our reality then we leave space for it to be taken advantage of and even abused by people who know what’s going on but are willing to use it to their own advantage in more overtly selfish ways.

It's only logical to be scared of something when we have no physical evidence, in the modern world. It used to be natural, to just trust the unknown and everybody knew in their bones that there's much more than just the physical dimension. Also it makes perfect sense and something that I have also been thinking and experiencing, that if you trust and believe in God you should automatically trust and believe in people. Oh but it takes time and difficulties to learn to rebuilt the trust....more so with people than God, actually. I still have my issues with trust and people, but at least now I know that I can always lean on God. And that's a classic, “are my prayers even heard?” And so many skeptics always question it in a “how could God be answering multiple prayers at the same time/so why didn't the thing X happen even tho I prayed for it”. It's not supposed to be like that. Nothing in life comes exactly at that moment when we WANT it. It comes when we need it, and God knows this. I had a recent encounter of this recently which I have mentioned later here. Sadly so many people are blinded by logic and many except things to happen as fast as possible nowadays, especially since everything is so quickly delivered today.

Urgency Culture…

Talking of being quickly delivered…I downloaded Tiktok a couple of weeks ago seeing as I am enjoying living in the present I barely even use Whatsapp. I actually had to reinforce my stance on this to a WhatsApp group of “religious/empowered blah blah blah sisters” that I’m a part of because the owner of the group reminded us it “was not a revert only group” so only those who were born in muslim households were allowed to share their knowledge ONLY, also they were displaying photos without their hijabs and to be mindful to not degrade their choices…I had to reply to say I’ll absolutely be respectful but I will continue to degrade something that deserves to be degraded. I am not one to judge but the contradicting things that these “sisters” were saying I was thinking yes having Islamic knowledge is amazing but lacking in any subject other than Islam doesn’t allow one to learn properly. Making someone feel excluded is not the way to go about doing things regardless of whether you know them personally or not. To act the opposite of what you are. That is normalised weird. I was literally watching and following those (and for some unfathomable reason have to all be so polite about it incase someone can’t handle the truth and needs protecting from the reality of their dellusional ways?!) Especially now. I’ve spent the past what… four years now? Maybe five? Day in day out trying to shed light on these issues that otherwise remain in the dark—if we choose social comfort or acceptance. Can’t penetrate the veneer of denial and delusion for love nor money. And so I’ve been left feeling a lot more “meh” about it all. “What’s the point?” kind of thing. Telling myself people don’t want to be helped. Feeling heartbroken and detached from my feeling of connection to humanity. But then I realised it isn’t that they don’t want to be helped when in reality it’s about so much more than excluding others. The whole “religious” or “spiritual” or deeply connected, psychically attuned people need to behave a certain way like polite or pious or super holier than thou or whatever. It’s just not true. You just have to be f**king authentic. I haven’t been able to verify it in my own experience but I trust my experience and judgement a lot. And I’m currently going through a huge shaking up of how I understand life a bit more and the way it’s calculated—of course, I can’t say I’m certain our understanding of how the signs are calculated is at all correct. As I mentioned I gave Tiktok a go since my friends keep showing me interesting videos. It’s horrific. Too much rollarcoaster energy. It was like being dragged from one sh*thole to another. And everyone’s got like hundreds of thousands of followers…for NOTHING. The standards are so unfathomably low. You get elevated on a platform for doing literally nothing. It’s such a wild energy. Super like rabid, desperate vibe too. Deleted it straight away. I don’t know if I will reactivate my Instagram. It made me wonder how children will be raised in today’s society. Children are exposed to education if their parents are wise and healthy, if they’re not they become indoctrinated. Our education system teaches children WHAT to think not HOW to think, it is the same system that was developed by war lords and plantation owners to control slaves it was developed specifically to keep the children busy so they could get more works off the slaves. Training the children not to be creative, not to think for themselves and to follow orders. Ken Wilber goes into this deeply if you’d like the original source.

Urgency culture has us feeling like we need to be in connection twenty-four seven and respond immediately. It places unhealthy expectations on ourselves and other people. Urgency culture creates an illusion that we are meant to be connected and responsive at all times. Apart from my work which I need to respond quickly and accurately too, in the legal world time is money. But not in our personal lives. As our lives become more and more digital, urgency culture becomes more “normal”. When we get a text, email, we develop a habit of immediately responding. And we subconsciously expect other people to immediately respond to us. We can even have a stress response in the body if we don't hear from someone. Our mind then, creates stories. I know my mind creates stories. If someone doesn't respond, we start to think we've done something wrong or that someone is upset with us. Or, that if we don't immediately respond back, we're “rude”. The reality is it depends on what the individual’s personality, the context of the message etc. The reality is, we haven't evolved to be connected to people twenty-four seven. We need time without stimulation. We need to be about to reflect before responding. We need space just to be.